Dear Supernanny, Sincerely, Boxed Wine...

Dear Supernanny

The Letter That I Wrote to Supernanny 
After Drinking Boxed Wine...and that I proof-read later and then realized that I still meant every single word:


(ABSTRACT:  Jo Frost, "The Supernanny," and Caesar Milan - "The Dog Whisperer" should team up, for at least three television episodes, to combine their wisdom and to help parents of both "humans" and "dogs" learn how to better manage these coinciding-environments).  


Dear Supernanny,

I do not need your help, yet.  I believe that I am following your advice quite well; your "Supernanny" show currently owns roughly 60% of the space on our family DVR, as I have weekly "Supernanny Marathons."  Please note that our child is 18-months-old, and that this is the only child that Mr. Mia and I currently have.

That said, there shall come a day where I will choose to have another child; and possibly even another child after that.  And if Mr. Mia catches me at a "groggy" night, and if my OB/GYN ignores my request for him to, "PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP ME AFTER THREE CHILDREN!" (aka, tie my tubes), then there is a very, very strong chance that I will be writing to you, dear Supernanny, begging and pleading for your help. Please do not ignore me when and if this day comes.  I beg of you to please consider the application that my future, desperate-self may send to you.  

I thought it would be prudent to forewarn you in regards to my flaws - both as a mother and as a "lady":

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Comments That the Supernanny Would Say To Me Immediately Upon Observing My Daily Life:  

Instance 1:
  • Supernanny:  As a mother, do you ever do your laundry?
  • My Response:  I will shamefully respond with "no." (See my post These Are My Pack n Play Confessions for further information).
Instance 2:

  • Supernanny:  Have you no control over your dogs?
  • My Response: No. Not really. (crap!)
Instance 3:
  • Supernanny:  Don't you think it would be easier on yourself if you woke earlier in the morning?
  • My Response:  Yes. Yes, I do.  But I hate the mornings.  (All eye contact with Supernanny will be avoided at this point, so as to avoid the shameful stare that she will give to me.)
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Supernanny, your show, the "Supernanny," serves many purposes for my family.   Let me walk you through some of those purposes:
  1. Because of your awesome lessons in child discipline, I am confident that I will rock the time-outs for my children, and in an unexpected (but totally normal/healthy) way, I am actually excited to master this skill.
  2. Your "Supernanny" television series serves as a back-up method of birth control for me.  Thank you, Supernanny, for providing me with an amazing back-up reminder to take my birth control pill in a timely fashion each month.
  3. On a more sentimental note:  Your show reminds me of how important it is for parents to keep their own sanity together before they can ever reasonably expect to have any sort of control over their households.
  4. Joe, you are a "baby whisperer."   That said, I cannot help but wonder whether you ever watch the TV show, "The Dog Whisperer" with Caesar Milan?  We have two dogs and a toddler - for a total of three creatures that we must maintain daily. 
    • Once I have my next child, I will be sending you and Caesar Milan ("The Dog Whisper") a formal (and likely desperate) invitation to my household for a dual-consulting trip.  (See my list below for reasons that this would be the most amazing thing that will/has ever happen(ed) to me).
    • Joe and Caesar:  If you accept my invitation, then I will make you the best pulled pork sandwich and the best spicy pesto chicken pasta (with goat cheese) that either of you have even had.  I also make amazing salads and amazing crostinis. (I have become extremely hungry even writing about my cooking.)
    • I strongly believe that my two dogs, coupled with my toddler and my future out-of-control children will make for a great television show.
  5. Supernanny, if I never get around to having more children, will you please seriously consider teaming up with the Dog Whisperer?  I probably won't have another child for at least a few years, but I would love to see you do this!  Our dogs try to eat my toddler's cheerios  and taking the dogs out in the morning can be quite the challenge with a toddler.  The Lord only knows what I will face with more children and more creatures!
  6. To both Joe (Supernanny) and Caesar (The Dog Whisperer): our invitation for pesto chicken pasta and/or pulled pork sandwiches is always open.  I love you guys!

More on the Supernanny potential partnership with "The Dog Whisperer":
(Thank you, Boxed Wine.)
  • The best(est) part, perhaps, will be to see my two favorite television celebrities - The Supernanny and the Dog Whisperer - work together. The entire last decade of my life has been dedicated to learning the best methods for raising happy, healthy creatures in my home - both my dogs and, now, my child.  And the majority of this advice has come from both you, Supernanny, and from the "The Dog Whisperer" - Caesar Milan.  


To see the two of you together would be the virtually the same as the following situations:
  • Witnessing Michael Jordan and Steve Nash collaboratively play on an NBA team together.
    • It would make me very happy.
  • It would be like if my favorite beer - Blue Moon - teamed up with my favorite wine - Chardonnay.  
    • It would make me very happy.
  • It would be like if my chocolate milk paired up with my favorite energy drink - V8 Splash.
    • It would make me very happy.
  • It would be like if my favorite show of all time, "Friends," suddenly decided to collaborate with my current greatest, favorite show of all time - "Homeland."  Can you imagine the synergy?  
    • It would make me very happy.
  • It would be like if the healthcare sector collaborated with the information technology departments (I'm a supply chain manager for a healthcare system during the day...this would be fantastic if this occurred).
    • It would make me very happy.

Thank you.

Sincerely,


Mommy

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